Trade Me Shoes?
by AndroidEvian
Summary: L and Light suffer different habits under the same category, and despite the initial vulnerability, become closer to one another *some triggering material*


" _Heh, look at that! Finally got my promotion as a top model! Sugoi na, ne, Light-kun?" the blonde explained excitedly, smiling so widely._

" _Ah, I'm really proud of you! Come here!" Light pulled her into an embrace, stroking through her hair._

" _It's because of you I made it that far, you know, Light-kun?" she murmured quietly into his chest, nuzzling her cheek into its warm strength._

" _Me? You got in on your own beauty and originality, you were headed there before we met." He replied_

" _Ah, fair enough, but… you were the one who really gave me the strength and joy to keep on smiling the smile that earned me my place up there."_

" _I'll keep making you smile then… you earn more money than I do after all." Light laughed with her._

" _Oh I see how it is!" she joked, gazing at her love. "You're in this for the cash! Well, I'll bring you all the money in Japan then, so you'll be happy!"_

…

 _Misa. Misa!_ With a start, Light bolted up right from where he lay. _Oh that's right… she's dead._ Looking around, he realised he was home. _How did I…?_ It took a moment to recall. _Kusō! I passed out in the rain, as far as I can remember. I guess Lawliet had to carry me back here… that means he knows about my habits now. I have to think of a way to avoid this, throw him off. I can say it's anaemia, my pulse and temperature would present that much. But… no. He's too smart to believe that, he probably researched all my symptoms while I was passed out. Will he act like he doesn't know so he can observe more? Will he confront me about this? Could he really have already figured this whole thing out so easily? Of course he could have; he_ is _L. Wait, people usually know things after researching about them, but usually research what they can relate to, personally, when it comes to friends! If that's true, then that would mean he was researching about it because it's something he and I have in common, and the more we have in common, the closer we'll become. That's what he wants so he can better interpret this-_ he couldn't help but laugh aloud _. -condition of mine. But if that's it; is it possible… could he have…!_

"Oh. You're awake now." the being of his thoughts now stood before him, occupying a sunny spot in front of the long window beside the bed.

"Yes," Light began, realising how obvious it was he was analysing the matter to its fullest extent. "Thank you for not… exaggerating this by taking me to the campus medical wing." Light watched his friend pull at some of his messy black hair.

"Well, about that… there's sort of a reason why I didn't." he looked like he might rip out a handful of his hair from how uncomfortable his voice sounded. _Am I right…? Is he going to say what I think he's going to say, does he—_ Before Light could finish his thought, Lawliet was unbuttoning his shirt, eyes to the side, as if to avoid the look he was about to get.

"What are you…" Light's voice was cut off by a sharp inhalation. The fabric of his friend's shirt fell to the floor. As he was exposed, the son of Souichiro Yagami felt the breath caught in his throat. "Oh… my God, Lawliet!" the aforementioned clenched his jaw as he failed to meet his friend's astounded gaze. Bones stuck out everywhere on his frame, the flesh of his hips slashed on either side with his pelvis jutting out. Clavicles tore at his chest, begging to be free. The worst was his ribcage. This was partly because Light hated himself as the sight of his friend's emaciation, worse than his own, slowly struck him as more and more beautiful. Leaving his bed, he only fell at his friends feet, Light reached his hands out to the gaunt form of his partner, his hope and support. "Why? Why couldn't you ever tell me?"

"Why do you think?" the monotone of Lawliet's voice seemed almost forced, like it was becoming increasingly difficult to suppress his emotions. "I was scared you'd put me in the hospital for the same thing you thought I'd put you in for."

"How long?" Light whispered. Lawliet didn't answer, at first. "How long?! How long have you been like this!?" he shouted and clutched at the jeans that were sagging at the hips, looking up. "Since Misa blew her fucking brains out!? Before? How long, _**Ryuzaki**_?!"

"…Since I was thirteen." Light's eyes widened, his heart about stopping in his chest. _Even… before I met you?_ His grip on Ryuzaki's jeans loosened, and he sank to the floor in a pathetic heap. He looked at the floor. _My eyes… why do they feel so hot? They hurt…_ he suddenly found himself screaming, crying uncontrollably. He hadn't cried this way since Misa's death, no, her suicide. _What the hell is this? What cruel fate has been given to me, us, now?_ His voice finally wore out til all he could do was whimper like a kitten, the same way he had a year ago.

He felt Lawliet kneel down beside him. Arms enclosed him, strong, despite how thin they were. He let it happen, just accepting the gesture. He could do nothing else, wanted nothing else. He'd gotten too far gone to want help, but wished his friend was a different story.

"I thought we were getting over her death… I thought that after all that happened! we were both going to be able to put it behind us. Ryuzaki… why did you lie to me like that?" he'd hoped that he'd sound angry, but instead, he sounded pitiful, as he heard himself.

"Don't call me that," his voice was quietly restrained, as if he were trying not to reveal some very important secret, whilst under immense pressure. The hold he had on Light grew a bit tighter. "That's the name you used before I let you fully know me, don't—"

" _ **You never let me fully know you**_ _!_ You hid this from me the whole time, but now, when we have the same problem, is when you finally have the nerve to show me?!"

"Because I _was_ L!" the harsh sob stole his breath, his voice broken by sadness. "In our past, the lives of others always came before ours. I was raised for that purpose. You think I didn't value your life and Misa's more than my own?!" Tears fell like rain. _L wa… namida._

"Hey, Lawliet," he felt the bodily shift of refocused attention as he spoke with quiet, bitter humour. "If we're going to be sick together…what's your diagnosis?" the atmosphere gradually began to return to normal. Birds resumed their chirping outside, the tears on the boys' faces had dried, the sun had even come out from behind the clouds that appeared when Light had dropped to his knees. Lawliet let go of him, now sitting with his body a healthy distance from his partner's. A rye smile spread across his face as the two began to laugh.

It was a good, hard laugh, one that left the both without any breath and gasping to get some air in their lungs. L was stretching back on the floor, his insatiable fit turning to coughs as he finally got managed some respiration. He then picked himself up into a sitting position.

"Well after all the research I've done on this," he couldn't suppress a small chortle. "condition," I've narrowed it down to bulimia and selective food group avoidance." he shrugged. Light's brain reeled as he began comprehending some of L's recent behaviours. _So that's why he always steps into the bathroom after eating the rare cookie or cake of some sort… Now it's usually a semi solid dessert now, with more fats and protein than carbohydrates. Those digest a lot easier than carbs, considering how simple they are in comparison, yet protein burns more calories being digested. A diet designed for the sole purpose of ketosis; the body has to know what fat is to burn it, but protein provides energy in lack of fat stores…_ "What about you, Light?" the aforementioned's self lecture in nutrition was broken as he heard Lawliet prompt the question.

"Sorry, I was just trying to understand the whole thing a minute. I think I've got some obsession with picking the healthiest foods possible, kind of similar to your avoidance thing. I guess as a side effect, I don't always take in enough calories. Healthy eating obsession with a side of anorexia, like the entree to an empty plate." He joked. As he took a moment to chortle at his own remark, he realised something. _Humour… that's how Matsuda would deal with a lot of what happened during some of the most serious cases. No wonder the guy seemed so happy…_

"This is going to sound like an oxymoron, but I have a theory that our bad food habits would actually benefit one another." Lawliet spoke up.

"You were only right on the first part; that does sound like an oxymoron. How on earth would two b… you mean?!" Light realised what his friend was saying as the corpse like man opened his mouth once more.

"Exactly. My habits involve indulging irresponsibility, feeling regret, and redeeming myself by limiting more options with which I had previous indulged myself. Your habits involve taking complete control, feeling superior, in order to keep your self worth…" with his thumbnail in his mouth, the psychology behind their disorders became clear. "I think if you taught me your habits, and I taught you mine, they may, in time, merge together and balance out into normality. A straight lacer and a self indulgent can learn a lot from each other." Light was completely dumbfounded by his friend's complete dissection of the inner workings of their conditions. "Come on now, let's see your demons and mine in action before putting my hypothesis to the test." _L… sometimes it's hard to remember why we quit the detective agency._

…

Light sat in the kitchen with Lawliet, at the table with the fridge's contents splayed out on the marble surface. It was nerve wracking to have all the food put in front of him. Lawliet was watching with an expectant look on his face, waiting for his friend to make a move.

"Um… I think you forgot to take into account that bad habits are usually something we like to keep a secret. Why don't you go first?" Light said, nervously.

"Mine is gross though." Lawliet pouted. "I've had sugar dependency based bulimia since I was thirteen, what do you want from me?" the ex detective whined, a spoon present in his mouth.

"Just admit it, you're itching to do it right now." Light said, watching L's spoon gnawing tick with a small satisfaction. "Come onnn, I know you want that left over cocoa butter cake in the back of the fridge from the spring solstice." he continued in a singsong tone.

"Quit it." L said, flicking his tongue along the cool steel more fervently as thoughts of the chocolate cream batter sweet entered his head.

"I know you want that _moist_ granulated graham cracker exterior, that _rich, dark_ filling inside, and most of all, the _juicy, tart_ raspberries, drizzled in…"

"Okay, I'll go first!" Lawliet interrupted, ands shaking from how badly Light had furthered his want for the sweet. "Just… be prepared okay? I eat things in a weird way, and I'm different once I start."

"Like I could judge, I know you've watched me click my chopsticks three times before eating and restrict all grains and fat from my diet." L looked back with a shrug as he walked to the fridge, grabbing the cheesecake, letting his spoon drop from his mouth, and replace it with a fork from the silverware drawer. He then sat down at the table finding a space amidst the numerous ingredients for the dairy dessert. His face grew red with embarrassment as he took off the case, and begin eating. Light grew horrified as the first bite entered his friend's mouth. The second he closed his lips on it, the awareness of living things completely vanished from his eyes. He thought for a moment that the real L had died, and now someone was controlling the corpse on marionette strings. "Hey, L, what's…?" the doll looked back at him emotionlessly, still eating the cake.

"I told you to be ready." The response was flat, as most were, but it didn't hold any intelligence, more like predetermined response in a set of programmed phrases used for basic communication in his trance like state. It took only 5 minutes for L to finish the remaining three fourths of cake that had been in the case. Biscuits, cookies, muffins, rolls, candy of every sort were devoured by the ex detective, the irrational coping mechanism carrying on for an entire hour and a half. With the food, he'd drank coffee, drowned in creamer, a hot chocolate with marshmallows and bits of banana nut strudel scattered in it, and was finishing a can of root beer as he sat in his usual, curved position at the table. Light couldn't take it anymore. Rattling L by the shoulders, he tried to wake him from his primitive state.

"Lawliet! You've got to snap out of it." He pleaded, grabbing his friend's face in his hands so the boy would look at him. "Lawliet!" "Oh… Light?" the awareness, which had earlier been completely absent from the black eyes, was slowly returning. "?" his brow furrowed with agitation and his lips puckered as Light's hands squished his cheeks closer together to fully rouse him.

"Do you even know what you did?" Light asked, his temples pulsing with some annoyance.

"What are you…" L looked down at the soda in his hand, the wrappers and boxes splayed in every area of the square of space he'd made for his junk food fest. His features gradually changed to express recollection, then horror, then anger. "Damn it!" He downed the rest of the root beer, crushed the can into a smudge of brown and gold aluminium, and hurried towards the stairs and to the top left door, where the bath room was.

"Lawliet!" Light called after him, only to have the door of the bathroom slammed in his face, with the click of the lock on the inside. "L, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked to observe your behaviour." The only response he got was the sound of quiet retching, the splash and squelch of a viscous substance slapping into motionless water. Light slid down the door, leaning against it as he came to rest on the wood flooring. Fifteen minutes of the sounds felt like hours before he heard L's body shuffle in his clothes, and the clothes slide along the tile and porcelain. _Is he done?_ The swirling of the toilet and heavy panting came next, followed with the light thump of someone bracing heavily against an object for support. "Lawliet… please open the door." After a few moments, the lock clicked, and water began running from the sink. Light opened it and watched his friend rinsing his face, mouth, and hands of the vomit. As he spit, Light noticed a strange hue to the rinse water, very slight, but there. _That tinge… is it from the soda? No, that can't be right, he's been doing this since he was thirteen, there's no way he'd leave anything in his stomach. Don't tell me…_ "L, your mouth… you're bleeding." he thought aloud, earning a rye smile from said person.

"Yes, and you're losing warmth in your fingers." he laughed bitterly, causing Light to examine his lengths. As noted, the flesh beneath his nails was a faint lavender, and, pressing his hand to his face, it was cold, like the hand of someone who'd died maybe an hour ago. "Well… now you've seen my bad behaviour in action. Let me see yours." L said, any traces of what he had just done suddenly absent from his body. He'd turned the fan on, so the scent of rejected food had cleared from his clothes and the room. He'd brushed his teeth, so his breath was fresh. He'd washed his hands and face, so he smelled sweet with their strawberry mint soap. Taking Light's hand, he led them both back into the kitchen, quickly disposing of the mess he'd made while in his food trance. "Show me how you'd make supper for yourself, and for me, if I didn't have a dependency on sweets." L had entirely returned to normal. His usual calm demeanour had returned to him, he tongued on a sugar free lollipop, and his eyes were curious and attentive to his surroundings. "Hey, Light." he said, louder.

"Ah… sorry, I was just observing your change in behaviour after… you know." Light scratched at his head nervously.

"Throwing up?" Lawliet asked rhetorically.

"W-Well of course, but it's so uncomfortable to just come out and say that!"

"Why? We both have similar problems."

"But… uh," he failed in finding an answer. "Oh, I don't know, it just is, okay?"

"Is it because Light was raised in such a _well off_ and _loving_ family, he's embarrassed he has a problem?" L teased, a coy expression on his face, as he was clearly enjoying his intellectual equal's moment of train wreck.

"Yes? No? I don't know! Y-You know what, just shut up, I'm making dinner!" With a bothered blush in his cheeks, he gathered some of the supplies from the table in his arms and turned on the stove. L took mental notes of this. _Lean pork, clementine, onions, sweet peppers, soy sauce, broccoli, carrot… No carbs or fat to speak of, assuming he's going to cut off the pork fat and steam it all._ As the stove became hot enough to hold ingredients, the ex detective watched his conclusions come to fruition. _Throw onions on the frying pan, pork upon them so they caramelise and the meat soaks up the moisture and flavour, lay the clementines on top so the juice seeps out of them and they dry in the heat, similar to the onions. Cook the sweet peppers along side once the pork has been turned on both sides, each receiving equal flavour from the caramelised onions and clementines. Let the broccoli steam with the sweet peppers as they just began to shrink from the heat. Add in the carrots and cover in soy sauce so everything has a bit of salty and a bit of sweet to it, with just the right amount of bite left. This is, by far, the the most nourishing and appetising meal he's made. You're too smart, Light._

"L. The food is ready." Light spoke up.

"Oh, right. I'll try a little…" he cleared out the ingredients from the counters and table, organising them back in the fridge before joining his friend at the table.

"Caramelised clementine pork with steamed vegetables and soy sauce." Light explained, the meat cut into neat pieces as it mingled with the colourful vegetables. "What does this dish… tell you about me?"

"…I guess it says you pay a lot of attention to nutritional detail. You're so caught up in taking care of your body, it drowns out your thoughts, a small break from thinking. It makes you feel like you're doing the right thing, doesn't it?"

"A-Ah… in a sense I guess. I always feel glad when you prepare food for me because you know what I like and want, but when I do it for myself, it's even better sometimes, because I can be the one who's making 'the best choice' for my body. I feel…"

"Disciplined?" Lawliet finished for him, staring at his plate with a defeated smile on his face.

"Yeah…" Light admitted.

"You must be so disgusted with me." L whispered. "I know I said we could learn from each other, but I already feel like you're much better off than I am… you fainted the other day but on the outside this barely looks like a problem!"

"L, stop it…" Light began, watching his friend stand up from the chair and grip the table in his hands.

"But you're Light. You're always good to me, and you've tolerated me even when I've been arrogant… it hurts. I think it hurts to see even you, having a similar unhealthy obsession to my own, still look like a better, more self controlled individual than I ever have. It's not you who's disgusted with me, though, is it? It's me who's…" he didn't get a chance to finish. Light stood up from his chair and embraced his friend tightly, cradling the back of L's neck in his hand.

"Shut up. You're my best friend. You wouldn't have that title if I didn't admire or look up to you. It's so ironic… you think I'm better than you because we have different coping mechanisms under the same category. I always thought you were better than mw, because. Because…" he trailed off, his voice cracking. "I always thought you were better than me because you told me we had to find Misa just before I'd fully managed to piece the danger she'd gotten into, together." as he inhaled a breath, it came in a sharp gasp.

"No, enough about Misa for now…" L said, separating from his friend a moment to wipe his eyes. "Let's just focus on me and… you." his voice grew confused as he finished his speech, examining the tear stained face of his best friend. "Me… and you?"

"Lawliet…?" Light mirrored the expression of his partner as his face was in L's hands. "What are you…?" he was cut off by the meeting of L's mouth on his own, surprisingly soft and warm. He wasn't sure what possessed him to enjoy it, but he just let it happen, his form relaxing as Lawliet completely erased his thoughts and worries. Comfort washed over him in a wave, and as they finished locking lips, he held L's exhausted form in his arms. "Hey; we're in this together, okay? As equals." he murmured, stroking back the messy black hair that suited his friend so well.

"Ah; I thought you might say something like that, Yagami Light." L replied, kissing Light's collarbone momentarily. "I know that we'll get through this… together."


End file.
